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| "We all pay a price for what we do and that’s right but when’s enough?
When’s enough?.. ‘Coz I paid and you paid….  " -City By the Sea
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| Know These Things: Shouldn't You
You stung, as if you knew I'd sting right there
And you shouldn't know these things, about me
Abused, as if your pain would quench my fear
How could you know these things, about me
You shouldn't know, these things
And be this awfully well in tune
Go as if not aware, be like those others that assume
You knew, and still you managed to find my stare
You shouldn't know these things, about me
You shouldn't know, these things
And be this awfully well in tune
Go as if not, aware
Go on and be those that presume
That they could know these things, about me
Be as if not, aware
Be mystified as this appears
Lay still be as, my will
And promise that you'll wait to kill
And whisper you know these things
Tell me you know these things
Show me you know these things
About me
-Maxwell
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| I've always been all about my life being an open book, but it's funny, 'coz in recent years, apart from not having the time to, I think a part of the reason why I don't write nearly as much is because of Facebook (all my Xanga entries automatically transfer over to Facebook). Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it, because life is about relationships, and Facebook allows me to carry on tons of relationships that would otherwise have been lost over the years of distance and disappearance. But on the flip, I'm literally connected to eeeevvveerryone- grammar school, high school, college, med school, churches, family, ministries, dancers, musicians, artists, you name it. I used to talk so freely about so many things, but now the thought of someone I go to medical school with reading a piece I wrote about masturbation is like, whoa, hold up, lemme think about that! Or a Jewish classmate I went to high school with reading a piece about my faith in the Jewish Messiah is like, wait up, is that gonna offend him? Or my anguish about social injustices being read by family members or family friends who deep down know that I'm talking about people like them! It's an interesting thing, and I'll admit, it's made me hesitant. I also used to express myself intensely, but have lately found myself holding back on showing my anger, my bitterness, my depression, and even my joys! Why? Because I believe in being sensitive towards others, and my despairs and even my joys could at that very moment be mocking the emotional state of one of my FRIENDS. Careful. Gotta be very careful.
But all that being said, I still believe and always will believe in the power of self-expression, the importance of being authentic, and the fact that my life and words are all ministry, pointing to a higher power and calling. I don't know when the last time was that I mentioned this but, do you know why Xanga is so near and dear to my heart? Why "blogging" is not a nerdy term to me and an act that I respect and very much appreciate? It's because of purpose. What's my purpose. When God literally shook my world, and broke me, I gave my life to Him, in 2004. True and ever so deep depression. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't. not. cry. Xanga was the "in" thing back then (it clearly isn't these days), but being the rebel that I am, I said I'd never get a Xanga. But at this stage in my life, I turned to Xanga to help me. I was hungry for God, and was desperate to hear His voice in any way that I could. I used Xanga to daily log the ways in which He was speaking to me, reaching out to me. The things that He said to me, and taught me. From the Word, from sermons, from books, from devotionals, from movies, from divine appointments, from any and everything. And I'd look back on them, ever so often, to REMIND ME.... to keep me alive.
That's why I purchased Xanga for LIFE. I can never lose those entries. Because they help define such an important and critical time in my life. My entries have changed and matured and varied since then, but this will always be a part of my life. Writing. Sharing. Living. In Christ.
Today.. today, today, today.. I'll be completely honest. I've been struggling. Spiritually. Because at the end of the day, that's what's important- you're spiritual state. The state all other states feed into (emotional, social, financial, etc.), for better or for worse. And well, let me start off with medical school. Ever since beginning this journey, my road has been tortuous, with some pretty darn difficult mountains to climb over, or get around? I've failed 2 semesters. Taken medical leave in another. Bringing me to a grand total of 7 semesters in the Caribbean (2 years and 4 months). Grace, grace, mercy, mercy, MERCY. These are the things that have carried me through, no doubt. At the beginning of my 8th semester (which was my 5th semester grade-wise), I literally said to myself, there's no way I am going to get to the end of this. I cracked under the pressure. The stupid medical culture of intimidation and belittling. I was beginning each day in tears in my car, and ending each day with tears, in my car... Hillsongs' "Let the Peace of God Reign" was played probably an average of 5 times a day in my car stereo. The fact I got through is truly a miracle in my eyes. And now, I have this exam called the Comp to pass. I need to pass this exam to qualify me, as a Ross student, to take my board exam, the USMLE Step 1. I get 3 chances to take it, and I've already failed twice.
Yeah, it's scary to think about failing it when I take it in either August or September, but what also gets to me is.... how blank my mind is. BLANK. As in, I don't know anything (!). My awesome, awesome friends, supporters, and prayer partners- they will dispute this to no end. But I have this horrible feeling that I just cannot shake, and I know I can't shake it because it's the truth. That I'm not even close to where I ought to be. Either you're gonna say that I know more than I think or give myself credit for, or you will tell me to just shut up and study. Which I really should do, but, self-expression, for me, at least for now.. please? Okay. Studying has been going awful. Much of it is due to things not sticking, and me not being focused and motivated. Leading me to other issues....
As much as I try to be strong in front of my family, the way they treat Alana and me pierces deep. Their attitudes toward our relationship make me sick, bitter, and most of all, angry. In theory, I know how I ought to react to everything, but in reality I'm as human as it gets, and a weak one at that. More than any other time in my life, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet, but I remarkably cannot. All I have to show is an embarrassingly poor performance in medical school, an inability to pay my monthly bills, and a totally unstable spirit. Finances- they have been painful. I literally live day to day, selling basketball cards on eBay for money. The economy has killed my chances at getting any loans (my bad credit was a co-conspirator). I want to get a job but my mom scolded my about that, saying that I should study instead, and she is even in the process of enrolling me into a Kaplan course in NYC (so that I can't work even if I wanted to). She doesn't have the money for this, but somehow says she will find a way to pay for it. So now how am I going to pay for my car note and insurance? It's tight, and it's real. And if medical school doesn't work out, just the thought of my financial debt is extremely depressing.
But at the end of the day, what dominates my mind, and weighs the heaviest on my heart, is the feeling of being suffocated. I'm constantly told over and over and over again that I can't please everybody, and shouldn't try to please everybody. Maybe. But umm, can I say this?: I kinda laugh at that now. Because when you throw LOVE into the mix, well that just goes and complicates the whole recipe doesn't it. And if you don't know what I mean, then either I just can't get you to understand my love, or there is something seriously wrong with the way that I, love. I care. I'd give my life. The eternal struggle to find a balance in my actions continues.
God. And I mean that as GOD. I'm ashamed to say this, but man, I've been kinda distant. Not that I don't talk to Him daily or immerse myself in spiritual things, no.... I guess I can put it this way: last night Alana reminded me of the verse that says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). I don't think He's delighted in me at all. With my anger, envy, bitterness, groanings, complaints, justifications. My constant wishing for more, and not being thankful for what I do have- an incredibly blessed life that I take for granted. But the sadness is powerful. It's consuming (!). I'm telling you. Or maybe I don't need to tell you. But the sadness, is powerful.
I need to get it together once more. I need to R.E.S.E.T. once more. My state has also taken a toll on my physical body. I've put on weight like you wouldn't believe. Well, I wouldn't blame it all on my state, because it's also heavily due to the frustrating fact that I have nowhere to work out. And I truly believe that your physical state plays into your mental and emotional state. So I take that back because I had it backwards (!), mostly. Sigh, it is so frustrating though. I love working out and being healthy, and that part of my life is just non-existent right now. All I do is eat. And try and try and try to study. And look for ways to make money. And wish that so many things could just be different.
I'm a work in progress. And despite it all, I know that I would be a fool to have it done any other way than God's way. At the end of the day, I love Him with all of my heart, and I absolutely trust Him. Which is why I will never leave Him, and praise God I know He will never leave me. Or you! Amen and amen and amen and amen. My family will be home soon, so I'm done for now. Oh, one last thing: I've been wanting to post my engagement video here on Xanga, but am having a hard time finding a place that will host 81 MB (the size of the video) for free. I'll post it as soon as I can. Xanga will always be awesome. My life will always be an open book. And Jesus will ALWAYS love you.
-Ro
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| APRIL 2009 IN MIAMI
04/09/09: Passover with Bet Hesed (House of Grace) Congregation
Same day as our Final Exam, so I drove there afterward, and it was a nice way to unwind and reflect on God's grace and goodness with my spiritual family.
  
  
   Right-most pic: my good friends Oz "the Hebrew," Piero, Gigi (Piero's fiance), & Gigi's brother.
It was such a blessing being welcomed by your whole congregation and getting to know you all  .
04/13/09: Dr. Seinfeld's Office
Zhen and I went back to the site of our 1st rotation in North Miami Beach. We were so, so blessed to have landed a rotation with these truly awesome people.
 
Definitely gotta thank Dr. Seinfeld for not making our 1st rotation a painful one.
And we also got to work with Tyree and Linda Davis, who were so incredibly chill.
Among their 3 sons is Ricky Davis, an NBA player for the LA Clippers!
 
Pam, an assistant to Dr. Seinfeld at the office and at home,
and last but not least, my man Joe (!) the super cool pharmacist.
04/21/09: Last Day of UMBR with Dr. Kudrath
Life-changing. Enlightening. Refreshing. All these and more. I can't say enough about what Dr. Kudrath did for my mental state, in terms of me being a medical student. Definitely now the BEST teacher I've ever had to date.
  
 
Puneet's drawing of Dr. Kudrath,
and yes, I had him sign my notebook (being the autograph nut that I am)!!
"There is only heart in greatness."
This means so much to me, because I always used to tell myself:
well, I know I have plenty of heart, but I just don't have the brains (!).
The thing is, when you've got heart, everything else will follow.
04/21/09: Fishing with Robin!
Got a chance to go fishing for the FIRST TIME with Alana's uncle, Robin. I actually REALLY like it! Would love to go again sometime. Robin: thanks for taking out a whole day to spend time with me dude, I totally appreciate it!!
  
  
  
  
  
Airplane Art:
" JESUS LOVES U" & "TRUST JESUS"
  
My first catch was pathetic! Hahha!! The smallest thing ever! It was basically fish bait.
  
  
My 2nd (and last  ) catch was a little bit better  !.
 
Pretty-looking fish Robin caught- looked like it should have been in someone's acquarium, LOL.
He threw it back into the water.
 
Met a bunch of nice people that day at the pier, including this kid. He was showin' me some stuff,
since he's been fisihing since he was basically born. That's one of the fish he caught.I also met this woman, whose husband had passed away 2 years earlier on that day. When I asked her what she was doing there, she took out a bag that contained his ashes, and right before me she grabbed a handful, threw it out into the wind, and allowed it to scatter out into the water. It was such an amazing thing to witness. We had some great conversation, and one thing she told me, was to never go to bed until an argument was resolved with your significant other- don't sweat the little/trivial things, because in the grander scheme of things, of life, it just so isn't worth it. As she walked away, I just prayed for her, and asked God to bless and watch over her, now that she is "alone."
04/25/09: American Airlines Arena- Miami Heat Playoff Game!My first ever playoff game! Shoutout to Riz for hooking us up with tickets and super great seats!! Alana, Riz, and I had tons of fun, and Wade was killin'!! Well, here's a few pics from when Lana arrived at the airport that day, us eating at Cheeseburger Baby in Miami Beach, and then pics from the actual game:
  
 
  
  
  
It's kinda blurry, but that was ESPN Analyst Stephen A. Smith.
Then a shot D-Wade made, and a SUPER SICK throw-down
by Wade that I was SO SUPED to catch on camera!! LOL.
  
Middle pic: there was some guy breakdancing on the court- hard to see in the pic though, I know.
  
 
And finally!!: 04/26/09....... that'll be for another whole entire and separate post  .Okay, now back to studying. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY AND MY FRIENDS' COMP EXAM ON MONDAY!!!! THANKS SO MUCH, and God bless.-Ro | | |
| It is increasingly common for Gentile Christians to celebrate the biblical, Jewish holidays, and there are many commendable reasons for doing so. Here are a few: (1) The biblical holy days are infused with spiritual and prophetic significance. Passover corresponds to Yeshua's death (1 Corinthians 5:7-8), Firstfruits to His resurrection (1 Corinthians 15:20), and the Festival of Weeks (Shavu'ot, or Pentecost) corresponds to the giving of the Spirit (Acts 2:1-4). Trumpets points to the Lord's return with the sound of the trumpet (see Matthew 24:31; 1 Corinthians 15:52; 1 Thessalonians 4:16; Revelation 11:15), the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) points to Israel's final cleansing (Zechariah 13:1, which follows from Zechariah 12:10 ff.), and Tabernacles (Sukkot) points to the final ingathering of the nations (see Zechariah 14:16-19; see also Revelation 7:9 and Leviticus 23:40, for palm branches and Tabernacles). (2) The biblical holy days have great historic significance. Although the Messianic significance of the biblical holy days is certainly of greater significance to Christians than is the historical significance, the origin and meaning of these holy days in Israel's history is also important. So, if it is okay to celebrate Thanksgiving and July 4th in America and to remember the events connected with those days, how can it be wrong to remember Israel's deliverance from Egypt in the Passover? When connecting this season to the death and resurrection of Yeshua, it can be very powerful.
(3) Celebrating the biblical holy days is a good way to teach about God's acts of redemption. Paul freely made reference to the holy days when writing to the Corinthians, making a spiritual application of Passover in 1 Corinthians 5:7-8 and possibly referencing Firstfruits directly in 1 Corinthians 15:20; notice also how Luke casually made reference to Yom Kippur (the Fast) in Acts 27:9, assuming his readers would understand. Yet many Christians today do not understand these references, being so divorced from the Jewish roots of the faith. Celebration of the holy days-or at the least, annual teaching about them-is a good way to educate a whole congregation, from the young to the old. (4) Celebrating the biblical holy days is a good way to recover the Jewish roots of the Christian faith. It is absolutely clear that everything that God does is summed up in His Son Jesus, that our Messiah and King is to have centrality in every way, and that our fullness is found in Him rather than in celebrating holy days or observing special seasons. That being said, the Church has become so Gentilized, so detached from its biblical, Jewish origins, that an appreciation for the biblical, Jewish calendar-the calendar of Yeshua and the apostles-is certainly helpful. To give one example, think of the positive benefits of calling churches to fast and pray for the salvation of Jewish people worldwide on the Day of Atonement, a day when millions of Jews are fasting and asking God to forgive their sins. What's wrong with doing that? Having said all this, it is important to emphasize that many believers do get caught up in unhealthy practices associated with the celebration of the feasts, and there are some direct warnings in the New Testament. In light of this, it is important to remember that: (1) Celebration of the biblical feasts is not a means for a Gentile believer to "become Jewish." Jews and Gentiles have equal standing in the Lord, and Jews are not called to become Gentiles nor are Gentiles called to become Jews. (2) Jesus must be central in everything we do (this cannot be overemphasized.) (3) Celebration of the feasts is not commanded in the New Testament and should not be practiced in a binding or legalistic way. This was addressed by Paul when expressing his concern about the Galatians: "You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you" (Galatians 4:10-11). What was the problem? While commentators point out different nuances of the text, it seems clear that the Galatians thought that they were required to observe "special days and months and seasons and years," and, worse still, they thought that in doing so, they would increase their spiritual standing in the Lord. Neither of these is true! Paul addressed a related phenomenon in Colossians 2:16-17 (NLT): "So don't let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these rules are only shadows of the reality yet to come. And Christ himself is that reality." (When Paul called on the Corinthians to "keep the Passover" in 1 Corinthians 5, he was clearly speaking of this in spiritual terms.) So, let everything we do as believers find its fullness in Yeshua, let no celebration or observance be done in a binding way, let no believers judge one other based on their observance or non-observance, let no one feel "unspiritual" if they get nothing out of the celebration of the feasts-and if the Lord puts it in your heart to celebrate the feasts, then be blessed in that celebration. As for Jewish believers in Jesus, it is my view that similar principles apply, since we are not required by God to follow the biblical calendar as new covenant believers. (I'm sure some of you differ with me here, so feel free and email me with your differences, bearing in mind that in the course of a short article like this, I cannot get into lengthy theological and exegetical discussions to back up every point I make.) That being said, many Messianic Jews do feel a calling to follow the biblical calendar for the purposes of covenantal solidarity with the Jewish community, preservation of their heritage, Jewish outreach, and family life cycle, among other things. I would only urge my fellow Messianic Jews to reflect on the previous paragraphs, regardless of their particular convictions, since it is God's will that "in everything [Yeshua] might be preeminent" (Col 1:18, ESV). Therefore whatever we do must ultimately glorify Him. | | |
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Lifetime
